• Posts
  • RSS
  • ◂◂RSS
  • Contact

  • They might say no

    June 22nd, 2019
    kids
    One phrase I've found very helpful with my kids is "they might say no." As in:
    • We're at the park, Anna wants to play with one of the park toys, and another kid is already playing with it. If she comes up to me I'll say "why don't you ask if you can have a turn, though they might say no".

    • We're hosting a meetup at our house, and Lily asks me if she can show the play kitchen to one of the attendees. I'll say "you can ask them, but they might say no".

    When you make a request it could be anywhere on a continuum from a formality ("could you pass the salt?", "may I use your bathroom?") to a real question ("would you like to stay for dinner?", "can I have your pickle?"). The social rules around requests are complicated and variable, and even adults often have trouble with them.

    While my kids don't understand the full nuances of this yet, "they might say no" indicates we're towards the "real question" end of the spectrum. It sets their expectations, communicates that whether the other person accepts the request is the other person's choice to make, and puts them in a mindset where they're prepared to hear a "no".

    Sometimes, though, I also have a second audience in mind. If I think my kids are being pretty forward in asking, enough that someone might say "yes" out of obligation even if they don't want to, I'll say "but they might say no" loudly enough that the person who's about to receive a request from my kid can hear it. That way everyone involved can tell this is the kind of request that's ok to decline.

    Over time my kids will figure out how this all works, but I think some experience asking for things in situations with the expectations clearly laid out is good practice.

    (I touched on this some in my post on sharing culture.)

    Comment via: facebook

    Recent posts on blogs I like:

    Rereading Roald Dahl

    Taking out a few words doesn't change much. The post Rereading Roald Dahl appeared first on Otherwise.

    via Otherwise March 25, 2023

    What does Bing Chat tell us about AI risk?

    Early signs of catastrophic risk? Yes and no.

    via Cold Takes February 28, 2023

    Why Neighborhoods Should Have Speed Bumps

    I have several reasons I think why neighborhoods should have speed bumps. First, speed bumps are very useful to stop cars from hitting people in the streets. Second, when construction workers installed speed bumps on the street in front of our house it was v…

    via Lily Wise's Blog Posts February 27, 2023

    more     (via openring)


  • Posts
  • RSS
  • ◂◂RSS
  • Contact