{"items": [{"author": "Lauren", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946069616782", "anchor": "fb-946069616782", "service": "fb", "text": ">draft post", "timestamp": "1529099459"}, {"author": "unknown", "source_link": "#", "anchor": "unknown", "service": "unknown", "text": "→ unknown", "timestamp": "-1"}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946069616782&reply_comment_id=946069646722", "anchor": "fb-946069616782_946069646722", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Only in the fb preview", "timestamp": "1529099474"}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946069616782&reply_comment_id=946069756502", "anchor": "fb-946069616782_946069756502", "service": "fb", "text": "→ I need to remember to publish the post before pasting the URL into fb; once I've done that I don't know how to clear its cache", "timestamp": "1529099529"}, {"author": "Lauren", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946069616782&reply_comment_id=946076408172", "anchor": "fb-946069616782_946076408172", "service": "fb", "text": "→ I think you can click the reload preview button in the edit menu", "timestamp": "1529101373"}, {"author": "Aaron", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946069616782&reply_comment_id=946251991302", "anchor": "fb-946069616782_946251991302", "service": "fb", "text": "→ I couldn't figure out how to do it on mobile either but on desktop it's \"...\" > \"Refresh share attachment\".", "timestamp": "1529180281"}, {"author": "Doe", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946071777452", "anchor": "fb-946071777452", "service": "fb", "text": "a) i agree with this model and want to do this with my kids when i have some b)I fail at this with my cat and he is the most whiny monster. Kids are with you 24/7, how can you be consistent with them about everything? It just seems so hard!", "timestamp": "1529099974"}, {"author": "Kate", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946074896202", "anchor": "fb-946074896202", "service": "fb", "text": "I agree with this! My parents weren't very consistent, so I remember actually asking them for specific punishments and telling them when their punishments weren't material or effective. But I think that being predictable 100% of the time can make it too hard for kids to realize that most humans aren't that rational, and it can be better if they learn to cope with variability or evolution of position in a safe space.
This also made me think of this book: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0374536902/", "timestamp": "1529100841"}, {"author": "Sarah", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946074896202&reply_comment_id=946083314332", "anchor": "fb-946074896202_946083314332", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Maybe saying things like \"I'm especially angry right now so what I'm saying may be harsher than usual\" or something to mitigate this?", "timestamp": "1529103537"}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946074896202&reply_comment_id=946099382132", "anchor": "fb-946074896202_946099382132", "service": "fb", "text": "→ \"I think that being predictable 100% of the time can make it too hard for kids to realize that most humans aren't that rational, and it can be better if they learn to cope with variability or evolution of position in a safe space\"
I would be surprised if I was able to be so consistent that this was a problem, really", "timestamp": "1529108233"}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946074896202&reply_comment_id=946116457912", "anchor": "fb-946074896202_946116457912", "service": "fb", "text": "→ My kids also have each other, and like most toddlers they're not especially predictable or consistent", "timestamp": "1529114753"}, {"author": "Kate", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946074896202&reply_comment_id=946120814182", "anchor": "fb-946074896202_946120814182", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Do you think consistency across both parents is important or just consistency from each?", "timestamp": "1529116380"}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946074896202&reply_comment_id=946125844102", "anchor": "fb-946074896202_946125844102", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Kids are definitely smart enough to learn how both parents (and anyone else they see often) respond.
On the other hand, if daddy is consistent and papa isn't, you're likely to get in a situation where the kids will only reliably listen to daddy, and this could be pretty hard for the relationship (in addition to being hard for papa).", "timestamp": "1529118029"}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946074896202&reply_comment_id=946879314142", "anchor": "fb-946074896202_946879314142", "service": "fb", "text": "→ An anonymous reader writes:
\"In response to the comment that 'I think that being predictable 100% of the time can make it too hard for kids to realize that most humans aren't that rational'. I will say that for myself (n=1), my parents were very strongly predictable when I was in a certain age range. There was a rule for everything, most of the form that actually encouraged some amount of decision making (e.g. I was allowed sugary cereal once a week and could choose when, I was allowed 1 hour of screen time a day and could choose what (with some limits) and when). I have struggled a lot in older childhood/adulthood with rules not being clear and not being consistently enforced, and I do not know whether this is genetic in that my parents liked clear rules and I do too, learned from their very heavy use of rules, or some other thing. But I don't think the idea of a consistency paradigm being hard to unlearn is inherently far-fetched.\"", "timestamp": "1529494590"}, {"author": "Anjali", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946107171522", "anchor": "fb-946107171522", "service": "fb", "text": "I appreciate how compassionate this post was to both parents and children :)", "timestamp": "1529111105"}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946107171522&reply_comment_id=946116497832", "anchor": "fb-946107171522_946116497832", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Aww, thanks!", "timestamp": "1529114767"}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946117386052", "anchor": "fb-946117386052", "service": "fb", "text": "When I hear people describing how they dislike permissive parenting it usually seems to me like they're unhappy with inconsistent parenting. I try to be permissive in the sense of allowing things by default and trying to let them become as self sufficient as they're currently capable of, but not in the sense of letting them do things I've said they can't.", "timestamp": "1529115003"}, {"author": "Kate", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946117386052&reply_comment_id=946121098612", "anchor": "fb-946117386052_946121098612", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Do you think there are negative schools of consistency that could be more damaging than unpredictability? Like always saying yes to things or being consistently dismissive?", "timestamp": "1529116574"}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946117386052&reply_comment_id=946125414962", "anchor": "fb-946117386052_946125414962", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Kate: I'm sure there are. If something is harmful having less of it can be better.
(Though even with harmful or unpleasant things I think there may well be situations in which consistently having the harmful thing is better than unpredictably having it.)", "timestamp": "1529117800"}, {"author": "Sarah", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946117386052&reply_comment_id=946739189952", "anchor": "fb-946117386052_946739189952", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Yes! In Montessori land, we talk a lot about \"preparing the environment for children's success.\" E.g. sure they can cut with scissors or knives, but show them how to be safe first, model it, and then let them loose. And onward for carrying delicate or heavy things, or things that spill. Planting in the dirt-- show how to clean up, independently. And for what we call grace and courtesy, too-- solving their own social interactions whenever they can, using language we practice before it's become an issue.", "timestamp": "1529432130"}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946126946892", "anchor": "fb-946126946892", "service": "fb", "text": "One way that poverty is harmful, and that parenting while well off is unfairly easy, is that external factors can keep you from being reliable for your kids. If I tell them I will do something I have enough control that I can make sure it happens, but if I had work with less flexibility, less money, or generally less slack this would be much harder.
Similarly, it's much harder to be predictable when you're tired, hungry, overworked, or otherwise not at your best. If I tell Lily no and she's decides to test me by tantruming, I'm going to be able to be stubborn longer than she can. But I'm only able to be in a good mental state for that because I've been lucky in how well my life has gone.
(And lucky in temperament, etc)", "timestamp": "1529118542"}, {"author": "Danner", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946136662422", "anchor": "fb-946136662422", "service": "fb", "text": "So many answers lately for me have been \"Strong boundaries, clearly stated\"
Thanks for the tips!", "timestamp": "1529121730"}, {"author": "Wolf", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946166901822", "anchor": "fb-946166901822", "service": "fb", "text": "Jeff, a lot of what you wrote is basically behaviorism 101 and I feel like it should be propagated by the forces (parents, teachers) that be much, much more. Establishing this as a generally accepted parenting guide in my view is a neglected cause area, albeit maybe not a tractable one.", "timestamp": "1529140173"}, {"author": "Andrew", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946166901822&reply_comment_id=946235160032", "anchor": "fb-946166901822_946235160032", "service": "fb", "text": "→ > tractable
I wonder if a youtube channel would be helpful here", "timestamp": "1529173261"}, {"author": "Jess", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946166901822&reply_comment_id=946379061652", "anchor": "fb-946166901822_946379061652", "service": "fb", "text": "→ I don't think this is a matter of parents not having access to this info. Rather, I'd wager the typical parent just isn't receptive to behaviorism-101-type advice, so this info is being neglected/rejected rather than undersupplied.", "timestamp": "1529258441"}, {"author": "Wolf", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946166901822&reply_comment_id=946402878922", "anchor": "fb-946166901822_946402878922", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Same thing with vaccines. The difference imho being that the official stance on vaccines is more clear.", "timestamp": "1529267366"}, {"author": "David", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946264970292", "anchor": "fb-946264970292", "service": "fb", "text": "Jeff do you have parenting books you like best? I often get asked about book recs on parenting but never know what to suggest", "timestamp": "1529185175"}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946264970292&reply_comment_id=946268747722", "anchor": "fb-946264970292_946268747722", "service": "fb", "text": "→ This is mostly stuff I learned from my parents; not sure if books were involved. Rick", "timestamp": "1529187039"}, {"author": "Rick", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946264970292&reply_comment_id=946688855822", "anchor": "fb-946264970292_946688855822", "service": "fb", "text": "→ My parenting style came from several places. One was my sister-in-law, Anne Thomforde. One was Suzie and I figuring out together what worked. Another major influence was the behavioral psychology courses I took in college, especially the classes on Operant Conditioning.", "timestamp": "1529415444"}, {"author": "Sam", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946271048112", "anchor": "fb-946271048112", "service": "fb", "text": "In your view, what's the best way to give candy sometimes without incentivizing constant asking?", "timestamp": "1529188364"}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946271048112&reply_comment_id=946272076052", "anchor": "fb-946271048112_946272076052", "service": "fb", "text": "→ * Have a rule about what times they get candy. Maybe \"after dinner you get one piece\". This is how we do things like \"watching a video on David's phone\" or \"eating dessert\".
* Have a rule about what situations they get candy in. Maybe \"when we're on our way to visit X we stop and buy candy\". This is how tablet usage works for us (unlimited usage on long car trips and airplane rides, no usage other times except for audiobooks which are unrestricted)
* Have it be completely unpredictable and where asking means you don't get it. I call this something being \"just for special\". I might propose it or give it to them, but there (isn't supposed to be) anything they can do to increase the likelihood of this happening.
* Let them ask, but if they ask too much tell them that if they keep asking it will fall into one of the categories above. They may be mature enough to ask only occasionally and in situations where you're likely to say yes. This is how I treat things like \"lets go buy pastries\".", "timestamp": "1529189164"}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946271048112&reply_comment_id=946288767602", "anchor": "fb-946271048112_946288767602", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Another thing like this: Lily has to stay at the dinner table for at least 10min or else she doesn't really eat. She used to ask \"has it been 10min\" yet constantly. Then we switched to a 10min hourglass sand timer, which worked pretty well: she can see when it's done, and it doesn't interrupt with noise in case she's happily eating.", "timestamp": "1529196848"}, {"author": "Jess", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946271048112&reply_comment_id=946379440892", "anchor": "fb-946271048112_946379440892", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Jeff, side question: what's the thinking behind making kids stay to eat when they're not interested in it? Is the idea just that if they don't eat at meal time they'll want to eat later when it's much less convenient?", "timestamp": "1529258655"}, {"author": "Viva", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946271048112&reply_comment_id=946384420912", "anchor": "fb-946271048112_946384420912", "service": "fb", "text": "→ oh hey! Jess and Jeff know each other ! Small world.", "timestamp": "1529261503"}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946271048112&reply_comment_id=946401910862", "anchor": "fb-946271048112_946401910862", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Jess Lily since birth has had a very hard time gaining and keeping weight. She generally has very low interest in food. If she stays at the table longer, she's more likely to put food in her mouth and eat it.", "timestamp": "1529266785"}, {"author": "Jess", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946271048112&reply_comment_id=946405398872", "anchor": "fb-946271048112_946405398872", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Gotcha, makes sense. I was asking because a lot of parents try to induce their kids to eat even when they are normal weight, and it never makes much sense to me (modulo the consideration I gave above). Any thoughts about the general case?", "timestamp": "1529268730"}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946271048112&reply_comment_id=946406132402", "anchor": "fb-946271048112_946406132402", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Jess I think for most kids a \"they'll eat when they're hungry\" approach where you make sure they have options for healthy food several times a day is good, and you don't need to make them eat.
Even with how little Lily wants to eat, though, I still don't require her to eat, or to eat specific things.", "timestamp": "1529269121"}, {"author": "Danner", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946271048112&reply_comment_id=946882522712", "anchor": "fb-946271048112_946882522712", "service": "fb", "text": "→ My parents did the surprise thing, so there wasn't an expectation. When I got a bit older, they did that for purchases as well. I didn't get a lot of money, and I tended to save it and research a thing I wanted. Sometimes they would surprise me by paying for the thing I wanted, when I could clearly state what it was and why I wanted it. It definitely reinforced the behavior if thinking really hard about what I really wanted.", "timestamp": "1529497059"}, {"author": "Viva", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946384475802", "anchor": "fb-946384475802", "service": "fb", "text": "Happy father's day!", "timestamp": "1529261529"}, {"author": "Divia", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946412364912", "anchor": "fb-946412364912", "service": "fb", "text": "My model is that insofar as consistency is correlated with good outcomes (which I think it is) it\u2019s mostly because it\u2019s downstream of other important virtues.", "timestamp": "1529271904"}, {"author": "Divia", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946412364912&reply_comment_id=946414186262", "anchor": "fb-946412364912_946414186262", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Which I guess I mention because I am cautiously pessimistic about consistency as an optimization target? I think my own attempts to \u201cbe consistent\u201d have been pretty unhelpful (obviously YMMV), but it\u2019s a good sign if I find I\u2019m becoming more consistent. And I think that has mostly come from understanding myself, my kids, and my environment better.", "timestamp": "1529272871"}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946412364912&reply_comment_id=946416022582", "anchor": "fb-946412364912_946416022582", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Divia I think this must vary a lot by person; for me thinking about explicit rules for something and then working at sticking to them definitely makes me more consistent than I would otherwise be, and doesn't feel like it's downstream from other things.
(Explicit rules like \"I will spot you climbing down, but if you climbed up there yourself you can climb down yourself\")", "timestamp": "1529273840"}, {"author": "Divia", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946412364912&reply_comment_id=946416471682", "anchor": "fb-946412364912_946416471682", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Jeff Kaufman I agree that it will vary a lot by person.", "timestamp": "1529274007"}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946412364912&reply_comment_id=946430463642", "anchor": "fb-946412364912_946430463642", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Divia thinking more, I think this divides into two pretty separate concepts (which probably also vary a lot by person):
* Meaning what you say when you say it. The hard part here is learning how to only say things you're comfortable fully backing. A lot of this is avoiding telling them to do things.
* Thinking of rules that will work well in a range of situations, generally implicit rules. \"Saying yes now means saying yes in this sort of situation in general (and same for no)\"", "timestamp": "1529280240"}, {"author": "Divia", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946412364912&reply_comment_id=946431980602", "anchor": "fb-946412364912_946431980602", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Jeff Kaufman thanks for dividing that up! I think I do feel pretty optimistic when I imagine people putting conscious effort into the latter. At worst I think people won\u2019t be very effective at it.
Insofar as people try to be conscious about not telling their kids to do stuff when it isn\u2019t necessary, I also feel good about that.
When I imagine people trying to push on being consistent by enforcing what they say more, I think I actually expect bad results on average. Though again, people and families are really different.", "timestamp": "1529281095"}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946412364912&reply_comment_id=949890345012", "anchor": "fb-946412364912_949890345012", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Expanded this into a post: https://www.jefftk.com/p/how-to-parent-more-predictably", "timestamp": "1531245817"}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946879139492", "anchor": "fb-946879139492", "service": "fb", "text": "An anonymous reader writes:
\"I am curious how your distinction between \"I don't want to\" and \"I can't, I need to make dinner\" works with the consent culture we try to make in the dance community. Are you worried you are modeling that one's own preferences are not enough to use to say \"no\"? If not, how do you make that distinction, between 'disinclined but convincible' and 'not interested (for reasons I do not have to disclose)'?\"", "timestamp": "1529494507"}, {"author": "Julia", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946879139492&reply_comment_id=949893598492", "anchor": "fb-946879139492_949893598492", "service": "fb", "text": "→ I think parents' obligations to children are stronger than dance partners' obligation to each other.
Overriding my preferences feels like an inherent part of parenting. I brought someone into the world who's not old enough to read, I can read, she wants to experience books, and I want her to experience books. So my life will involve a lot of reading \"Frozen: A New Reindeer Friend\" even though it's not what I would choose to do for my own enjoyment. I try to say no to the kids' reasonable requests only when I feel especially tired or uninterested.
We do have different things we say no to - I basically always say no to rough physical play, while Jeff lets the kids climb and bounce on him. Jeff basically always says no to making up stories, while I say yes maybe half the time Lily asks.", "timestamp": "1531247787"}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946879199372", "anchor": "fb-946879199372", "service": "fb", "text": "An anonymous reader writes:
\"Dealing with a friend's toddler recently, I was concerned that he had no way to distinguish between degrees of wanting something. How do you go about teaching this type of self-awareness to your kids? Do you make an effort to grant stronger preferences more than weaker ones?\"", "timestamp": "1529494535"}, {"author": "Marcus", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946886065612", "anchor": "fb-946886065612", "service": "fb", "text": "This is what my parents did with my brother and me. They weren't strict, but rules were consistently enforced.", "timestamp": "1529498783"}, {"author": "Phillip", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946912522592", "anchor": "fb-946912522592", "service": "fb", "text": "Not a comparison, but I am told dog obedience school is all about training the owner not the dog. Also children pay much more attention to what you do than what you say.", "timestamp": "1529510107"}, {"author": "Emily", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/946066373282?comment_id=946922053492", "anchor": "fb-946922053492", "service": "fb", "text": "I agree!!!!!", "timestamp": "1529513750"}]}