{"items": [{"author": "Josh", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/914682906002?comment_id=914683684442", "anchor": "fb-914683684442", "service": "fb", "text": "Socrates was a pretty smart guy. Or, at least, he had a pretty good method.", "timestamp": "1512531095"}, {"author": "Jacob", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/914682906002?comment_id=914683684442&reply_comment_id=914688255282", "anchor": "fb-914683684442_914688255282", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Ah, but what about the method was good? Does it imitate the form of an ideal method?", "timestamp": "1512533177"}, {"author": "Michael", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/914682906002?comment_id=914684467872", "anchor": "fb-914684467872", "service": "fb", "text": "I often find with Jonathan that his tantrums are about wanting agency. Ceding control on some minor detail can make him much happier.", "timestamp": "1512531377"}, {"author": "Gianna", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/914682906002?comment_id=914691588602", "anchor": "fb-914691588602", "service": "fb", "text": "I also find that this kind of stuff is often about control, and finding a way to give some control can work wonders. I also find (and I think many others have found this too) that you can't really accomplish anything with a preschooler when they're upset. The first thing that has to happen is some kind of movement through the upsetness, otherwise, as you said, any attempt at a solution will just make them more upset.", "timestamp": "1512535082"}, {"author": "Jonathan", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/914682906002?comment_id=914721069522", "anchor": "fb-914721069522", "service": "fb", "text": "I too see this pattern as \"having some degree of power in the moment can be calming\" but I wouldn't want to have to present evidence as to how much of the effect is due to perception of power/control vs. due to time to calm down. Scenarios like the one you've described are familiar to me, regardless.
I do also find that there is an element of frame shifting or distraction in a lot of my experiences like the above; it doesn't always have to be slow, just something to shift direction away from the cyclical focus on the existing upset. I vividly remember a howling tantrum that disappeared within 5 seconds after I started uttering a sequence of random numbers, because it was a compelling distraction in that moment. That particular thing might only work once, I think.", "timestamp": "1512563935"}, {"author": "Mark", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/914682906002?comment_id=914722152352", "anchor": "fb-914722152352", "service": "fb", "text": "So you've done client work before?", "timestamp": "1512564958"}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/914682906002?comment_id=914722152352&reply_comment_id=914722671312", "anchor": "fb-914722152352_914722671312", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Client?", "timestamp": "1512565609"}, {"author": "Mark", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/914682906002?comment_id=914722152352&reply_comment_id=914724482682", "anchor": "fb-914722152352_914724482682", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Jeff Kaufman it'sa bad joke", "timestamp": "1512566886"}, {"author": "Ethan", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/914682906002?comment_id=914726144352", "anchor": "fb-914726144352", "service": "fb", "text": "Does this work with adults?", "timestamp": "1512567999"}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/914682906002?comment_id=914726144352&reply_comment_id=914726274092", "anchor": "fb-914726144352_914726274092", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Adults I interact with seem to have much better emotional regulation.", "timestamp": "1512568173"}, {"author": "Sophia", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/914682906002?comment_id=914726144352&reply_comment_id=914727611412", "anchor": "fb-914726144352_914727611412", "service": "fb", "text": "→ I will say, as both a manager of people and a parent of a toddler, there are a lot of strategies that are applicable in both cases.", "timestamp": "1512568848"}, {"author": "Ethan", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/914682906002?comment_id=914726144352&reply_comment_id=914730939742", "anchor": "fb-914726144352_914730939742", "service": "fb", "text": "→ I'd say similar emotional dynamics are in play, even if as adults we believe ourselves to be more rational than toddlers.", "timestamp": "1512569840"}, {"author": "Peter", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/914682906002?comment_id=914726144352&reply_comment_id=914836817562", "anchor": "fb-914726144352_914836817562", "service": "fb", "text": "→ In my experience, yes it does work with adults. And I'm not yet a parent, though I have found a lot of commonality in the actions of many adults and many toddlers I've interacted with.
On the practical side, (in addition to granting time, and granting agency), this approach also involves selecting from the available, rather than inventing from the entire range of the imaginable. (Even though many long-term solutions might require imagining things that aren't yet available, it seems like there are times to pick from what's already 'out there', and involving the unsatisfied person in that picking helps focus the conversation.)", "timestamp": "1512614447"}, {"author": "Jenny", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/914682906002?comment_id=914726144352&reply_comment_id=915265263952", "anchor": "fb-914726144352_915265263952", "service": "fb", "text": "→ As a mediator, I'd say it's normal for angry adults to reject solutions that obviously seem to meet their needs, until they have calmed down a bit AND they either think they have choices or believe that THEY invented the solution. Trouble with adults is that taking a long nap does not erase their grievances.", "timestamp": "1512845964"}, {"author": "Phillip", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/914682906002?comment_id=914732207202", "anchor": "fb-914732207202", "service": "fb", "text": "I think the long term impact here is more important. Teaching the idea that if something is wrong you can fix it, as opposed to something is wrong, someone needs to fix it for you is invaluable. This feels like a pebble in the pond moment (I suppose it is easy for a non-parent to say this).", "timestamp": "1512570685"}, {"author": "Stefan", "source_link": "https://plus.google.com/109680770231773746626", "anchor": "gp-1512666379765", "service": "gp", "text": "My son is about the same age, I'll have to try this the next time he's upset. Maybe the important thing is what you mentioned last, that she is/feels in control by choosing her own cup and making her own decision.", "timestamp": 1512666379}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://plus.google.com/103013777355236494008", "anchor": "gp-1512668480896", "service": "gp", "text": "@Stefan\n I'm also curious how much is about control vs timing, and would like to pick that apart, though it's very hard to tell since it's so noisy", "timestamp": 1512668480}, {"author": "Tamar", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/914682906002?comment_id=914945774212", "anchor": "fb-914945774212", "service": "fb", "text": "I was reading something recently about how the emotional centers in the brain are in control when a kid starts to get upset (obviously), but any anger in response just puts the kid more firmly into that part of their brain function. Any way you can get the child to use their rational brain, like asking them a question that makes them think about the differences between the cups, shifts their brain into the cognitive part.
According to this particular author, that\u2019s after you acknowledge in some way that they\u2019re upset.", "timestamp": "1512672893"}, {"author": "Chris", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/914682906002?comment_id=915052520292", "anchor": "fb-915052520292", "service": "fb", "text": "Great moment to introduce your kid to the Rolling Stones...", "timestamp": "1512736767"}, {"author": "Julia", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/914682906002?comment_id=915052520292&reply_comment_id=915260328842", "anchor": "fb-915052520292_915260328842", "service": "fb", "text": "→ She heard that song over Thanksgiving and we have indeed talked about it several times since then!", "timestamp": "1512844675"}]}