{"items": [{"author": "Danni", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/613341621352?comment_id=613342030532", "anchor": "fb-613342030532", "service": "fb", "text": "i saw the title of this post and thought you were advertising an event where people from all over the world could gather for gender neutral hugging. i am greatly disappointed. :( :(", "timestamp": "1369022046"}, {"author": "Danni", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/613341621352?comment_id=613342404782", "anchor": "fb-613342404782", "service": "fb", "text": "however, i propose that asking someone if they prefer a hug or a handshake would be an excellent behavioral convention for determining whether a hug or a handshake is appropriate.", "timestamp": "1369022122"}, {"author": "Christopher", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/613341621352?comment_id=613342784022", "anchor": "fb-613342784022", "service": "fb", "text": "\uff37e should all tip our hats at each other. Yet another reason civilization peaked in the Edwardian era.", "timestamp": "1369022663"}, {"author": "Natalya", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/613341621352?comment_id=613343482622", "anchor": "fb-613343482622", "service": "fb", "text": "At the Old German Baptist Church, it's pretty straight forward. If you aren't a member, you get a handshake. If you are a member, you shake hands and kiss the same gender, and shake hands the opposite gender. You greet EVERYONE one way or the other, once at each event. Because I'm not a member, it's all handshakes for me. So now I automatically shake hands with EVERYONE, EVERYWHERE. Boy does that confuse folks!", "timestamp": "1369023056"}, {"author": "Danni", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/613341621352?comment_id=613343652282", "anchor": "fb-613343652282", "service": "fb", "text": "what if you don't know what gender someone is? what if someone is a gender of which there is not clearly a same or opposite?", "timestamp": "1369023167"}, {"author": "Natalya", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/613341621352?comment_id=613343662262", "anchor": "fb-613343662262", "service": "fb", "text": "While that might not seem \"gender neutral\" because of who gets to kiss who, it IS neutral in a much more important way: EVERYONE gets the same greeting, regardless of relationship. Your parent, your sibling, your adult child, someone you've never met before from the other side of the country: There are no snubbings or exclusions.", "timestamp": "1369023176"}, {"author": "Natalya", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/613341621352?comment_id=613343727132", "anchor": "fb-613343727132", "service": "fb", "text": "You are either a) not a member, and thus you get a handshake, or b) a member, in which case your gender is known and is displayed by your traditional plain dress.", "timestamp": "1369023252"}, {"author": "Natalya", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/613341621352?comment_id=613343871842", "anchor": "fb-613343871842", "service": "fb", "text": "I will never be a member because I am \"both the man and the woman in my life\"...and I wear a women's head covering with pants (men's dress). But not being a member is not a big deal. I get the same handshake that a different-gender member would get.", "timestamp": "1369023363"}, {"author": "Carl", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/613341621352?comment_id=613344620342", "anchor": "fb-613344620342", "service": "fb", "text": "I think it's comfort based, and intimacy is a factor in that.

I believe one way the asking if a hug is appropriate happens _in_ the handshake. You start the handshake, and draw in _very_ subtly, if the other party is of like mind, they are doing it too. Then it becomes noticable and both act on it. Whether it becomes a hands-clasped-between-bodies man-hug or a real hug is subject to similar negotiation.

Or the negotiation starts when one party lifts their arms ever so slightly from their sides while watching to see if the other party does also.", "timestamp": "1369024115"}, {"author": "Alex", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/613341621352?comment_id=613345049482", "anchor": "fb-613345049482", "service": "fb", "text": "My convention doesn't consider gender. If it's someone from work/school, default to shaking hands. If it's someone from contra, or other casual social situation, default to hugging. Read other person's preferences in all situations.", "timestamp": "1369024449"}, {"author": "Rachel", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/613341621352?comment_id=613354650242", "anchor": "fb-613354650242", "service": "fb", "text": "People often ask me which I want, and I usually suggest both. So we shake hands and then hug (sometimes hug and then shake hands).", "timestamp": "1369044480"}, {"author": "Adam", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/613341621352?comment_id=613355234072", "anchor": "fb-613355234072", "service": "fb", "text": "I'm open to either and I find that a slight hesitation allows for the other party to decide what is comfortable for them.", "timestamp": "1369045861"}, {"author": "Chris", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/613341621352?comment_id=613355333872", "anchor": "fb-613355333872", "service": "fb", "text": "The other factor to include in your calculations is how comfortable the other party is with close contact. I have close friends who are not comfortable with hugging. I also have acquaintances who like to hug even though we don't know each other very well. I really like to hug and generally have to restrain myself because of the other person's preferences.", "timestamp": "1369046168"}, {"author": "Kathie", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/613341621352?comment_id=613355353832", "anchor": "fb-613355353832", "service": "fb", "text": "Yes! At my son's symphony concert yesterday, their male conductor was handing certificates to graduating seniors and not one boy hugged him, though many girls did. That needs to change.", "timestamp": "1369046253"}, {"author": "Chelsea", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/613341621352?comment_id=613355373792", "anchor": "fb-613355373792", "service": "fb", "text": "I like the \"asking\" idea a lot. Sometimes people misread how I feel about the hug (maybe I'm not as huggy as a lot of contra people are? ? ?) so there's the moment when you can see it coming and get your hand out there for the shake. Gender has something to do with how comfortable I feel with someone, but I find myself slipping the hand in there to guide to a shake for women more often than men, perhaps because women are more likely to initiate hugs.", "timestamp": "1369046304"}, {"author": "Danner", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/613341621352?comment_id=613356790952", "anchor": "fb-613356790952", "service": "fb", "text": "I know the mensa convention has the 'hug me dot', to deal with this issue. http://nowiknow.com/hug-me-dot/ perhaps this would be the standard, and assume that people have a yellow dot to start?

alternatively, offer two hands, one in handshake position, and the other ready for the hug, and see what the other person takes.", "timestamp": "1369049864"}, {"author": "Ariann", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/613341621352?comment_id=613368033422", "anchor": "fb-613368033422", "service": "fb", "text": "I am constantly engaged in physical contact with others that makes me uncomfortable. The convention in my usual circle is to half-hug and cheek kiss everybody and I often find myself initiating this greeting out of convention even though I'd rather not hug anybody except super close friends/family. Then in my other circles, I'm all - uh, am I supposed to kiss you now? And it's awkward for me.", "timestamp": "1369060943"}, {"author": "Jamie", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/613341621352?comment_id=613369660162", "anchor": "fb-613369660162", "service": "fb", "text": "I've been in some situations where I felt compelled to handshake when I really didn't want to. In the same situations the handshake often feels like a recognition of male gender status, which adds another layer.", "timestamp": "1369062393"}, {"author": "David German", "source_link": "https://plus.google.com/111229345142780712481", "anchor": "gp-1369064622966", "service": "gp", "text": "People are pretty good at indicating whether they want to hug or shake hands. \u00a0Isn't that sufficient?", "timestamp": 1369064622}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://plus.google.com/103013777355236494008", "anchor": "gp-1369064969443", "service": "gp", "text": "@David German\n\u00a0everyone can't rely on everyone else to decide this.", "timestamp": 1369064969}, {"author": "David", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/613341621352?comment_id=613382274882", "anchor": "fb-613382274882", "service": "fb", "text": "https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steric_effects", "timestamp": "1369071341"}, {"author": "Joanna", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/613341621352?comment_id=613388617172", "anchor": "fb-613388617172", "service": "fb", "text": "I'm with Carl and Alex... If it's a new acquaintance/friend, I start out with just greeting them by name, but I'm ready for a handshake or, if they act open or lean in, a hug. I know that using our words is important, and I respect the clarity of asking what someone else is comfortable with -- and I *definitely* am growing to believe in setting my own boundaries, so I firmly stay out of the way or stick my hand out for a shake if I don't want to open the door to hugging -- but to me this is one of the areas in which body chemistry is fascinating, and words can create distance.

However, related to your original point about gender, I'd accept that I feel easier about this as a cis-woman, since I feel I have all options open. It might be more of a hurdle if I presented as a man, and either my socialization or others' reactions weren't as open to any possibility.", "timestamp": "1369074626"}, {"author": "Bill", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/613341621352?comment_id=613394744892", "anchor": "fb-613394744892", "service": "fb", "text": "This is a complex topic, and one that has become more complex for me as I age, and I also find that in addition to context (work-related acquaintances as part of work, work-related acquaintances outside of work, non-work-related acquaintances in different social settings), and perceived gender, I also have to take into account relative age and perceived sexuality.

As a 50-something gay man, I've learned through experience to NEVER initiate the transition from handshake to hug and/or kiss with a significantly younger acquaintance, except in the rare case where I think it may be safe to ask whether they are ready for that transition.

On the other hand, in social settings with gay men of roughly my age (say 40+) when I meet another gay man in a setting where both of us know many other people who are present, it is quite common to only shake hands on being introduced, and then to hug/kiss on leave-taking at the end of that event if we have spent some time in conversation getting acquainted. At large parties this may not happen, but at smaller dinner parties it's almost automatic.

Edit: Another factor that I sometimes take into account is cultural background, especially with folks who have not spent a long time in the US. I have spent a fair amount of time working with people from many countries, and I've learned to tailor my greeting/leave-taking expectations in social settings to what I understand to be the norms of each person's native culture. For example, with my Brazilian step-family the men always get handshakes and maybe hugs, and the women always get a gentle handshake and a cheek kiss on both greeting and leave-taking.", "timestamp": "1369078127"}, {"author": "David German", "source_link": "https://plus.google.com/111229345142780712481", "anchor": "gp-1369107027414", "service": "gp", "text": "I would say it's about consensus, not deference. \u00a0If either person doesn't want to hug, you shake. \u00a0If both people are truly ambivalent (unlikely), default to shaking.\n
\n
\nImplementation: If you think the answer is clear, offer the hug or shake immediately. \u00a0If not, wait for the other person to show some sign for ~1s, and then offer the shake.\n
\n
\nIn my experience, this is pretty much what people already do. \u00a0It seems gender-neutral, and obvious enough that I feel a little silly about spelling it out. \u00a0What am I missing?", "timestamp": 1369107027}]}