{"items": [{"author": "Perry", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/628838265952?comment_id=628839179122", "anchor": "fb-628839179122", "service": "fb", "text": "Yes, but inevitably the caller is going to use those terms, even if you're not using them on the floor.", "timestamp": "1379701379"}, {"author": "Ben", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/628838265952?comment_id=628839752972", "anchor": "fb-628839752972", "service": "fb", "text": "I was once dancing with a fantastic dancer in Austin. She asked if I wanted to lead or follow, and I suggested we switch off. During the dance, I sometimes danced the gent's role, sometimes the lady's role, but she was definitely leading the entire time.", "timestamp": "1379701740"}, {"author": "Perry", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/628838265952?comment_id=628840361752", "anchor": "fb-628840361752", "service": "fb", "text": "Oh - definitely true. The dance belongs to the dancers.", "timestamp": "1379702181"}, {"author": "melton", "source_link": "https://plus.google.com/101683472246090806970", "anchor": "gp-1379708835205", "service": "gp", "text": "splits", "timestamp": 1379708835}, {"author": "Kristina", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/628838265952?comment_id=628851923582", "anchor": "fb-628851923582", "service": "fb", "text": "Can we make this a new BIDA poster? (is that already in the works?) I am trying to ask the question more regularly. I find that when I am the one asking someone to dance it is much easier to then ask the person what role they prefer (I am usually asking a woman to dance) versus when a man asks me to dance and I ask him what role because in many (not all) he is asking me to dance because I am a woman and he wants me to dance that role. I prefer switching or leading, so sometimes when a man asks me to dance I will say, \"mind if I lead?\". I have gotten a range of responses from \"that will confuse people\" to \"I haven't followed but I've always wanted to!\", to \"not at all, hooray!\" Many people will surprise you with their enthusiasm and excitement when you ask this question.", "timestamp": "1379709610"}, {"author": "Jonah", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/628838265952?comment_id=628854673072", "anchor": "fb-628854673072", "service": "fb", "text": "Maybe if you ask what role your partner wants to dance and they answer \"lead\" or \"follow\" it means they want to throw in swing dance moves, and if they answer \"lady\" or \"gent\" they want to dance in a more traditional contra style. That way no one is sexist and no one is pressured to have a mini-swing dance within the contra dance if they don't want to.", "timestamp": "1379711387"}, {"author": "Jonah", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/628838265952?comment_id=628854727962", "anchor": "fb-628854727962", "service": "fb", "text": "Also, and this is unnecessary since I just single-handedly solved the problem, but how about Mario/Luigi instead of Port/Starboard?", "timestamp": "1379711411"}, {"author": "Sarah", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/628838265952?comment_id=628871045262", "anchor": "fb-628871045262", "service": "fb", "text": "I've made this question a habit, but my phrasing is usually to ask which side of the set people would prefer to dance on, over here (whichever side I'm on) or over there (where they currently are). I suppose this can be a bit confusing, especially if it's unclear whether we've swapped sides yet for an improper dance, but it works to avoid any \"lead/follow\", \"lady/gent\" etc. terminology. Most often the response I get is \"oh, I don't really care\" and we just stay where we are.
That said, I have a tendency to line up on the left hand side of the set when asking someone who's gender presentation appears to be female, while the opposite is true if I'm dancing with someone who's gender presentation appears to be male. In other words, I still am doing some sort of classification based on gender appearances and I'd like to get away from that.", "timestamp": "1379723317"}, {"author": "Rachel", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/628838265952?comment_id=628873470402", "anchor": "fb-628873470402", "service": "fb", "text": "I like asking people this, and I like it when they ask me. terminology-wise, sometimes when I ask people what role they prefer, they think I asked what row they prefer (as in, which set to line up in).", "timestamp": "1379724721"}, {"author": "Dan", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/628838265952?comment_id=628882896512", "anchor": "fb-628882896512", "service": "fb", "text": "I also think it's important to ask if they have a preference what row/line someone would like to dance in; the more you travel, the more you meet.", "timestamp": "1379731359"}, {"author": "Daniel", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/628838265952?comment_id=628896060132", "anchor": "fb-628896060132", "service": "fb", "text": "I typically ask this question when I dance with another man. When I ask a woman to dance (or she asks me), I'm more than happy to follow, but I tend to assume that the default is that I lead unless I know she likes to lead and/or swap, or she tells me so. Probably it would be better to ask it all the time.
This is largely just based on norms -- with very few exceptions, almost every girl who dances at all knows how to follow, and almost every guy who dances at all knows how to lead, but it's not necessarily true that the guys know how to follow or the girls know how to lead. So, I feel it's mildly inappropriate to ask someone to dance if this would not allow him/her to dance that typical role. I.e. I wouldn't ask a man to dance if I weren't okay with taking the follow role (unless I already knew him to like following), and the same in reverse for a girl. I don't always end up taking that role, but I'd feel I was potentially forcing someone into a role they might not be as comfortable in if I asked a man to dance, but he had to follow because I didn't know how to, or didn't want to.
Also, I find it is less confusing to other dancers, particularly newbies, for a man to follow in a male/male couple -- nobody is that surprised because one of them still has to dance that role. In a male/female couple, though, it confuses people much more for our roles not to match the ones more typically corresponding with our genders. Of course, this varies from place to place -- it probably wouldn't raise too many eyebrows at BIDA, and certainly wouldn't in JP, but sometimes people just think we accidentally ended up in the wrong place.
I'm not sure, really, that there's any good reason for me to do this the way I do. There's no difference by partner's gender in my willingness to dance either role, but there is a difference in my likeliness to suggest it.", "timestamp": "1379743293"}, {"author": "Andrew", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/628838265952?comment_id=628896189872", "anchor": "fb-628896189872", "service": "fb", "text": "I do this sometimes, and I'm trying to remember to do it more. Although I ask using the term \"role\" rather than \"dance gender\", in part to avoid assumptions about whether that person likes \"lead/follow\", \"lady/gent\", or some other terminology.", "timestamp": "1379743560"}, {"author": "Andrew", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/628838265952?comment_id=628908260682", "anchor": "fb-628908260682", "service": "fb", "text": "I enjoy dancing either role, and it makes no difference to me whether my role is called lady or gent or boy or girl. I don't feel inclined to swap roles unless we're same-sex or I know or guess my partner likes to swap. I feel if my partner wants to swap, they'll speak up. This at a typical dance. At a gender-free dance, I ask every partner if they'd like to swap.
When I swap roles, I like to swap for every new couple, for variety, and so I get to dance with everyone in the set if time allows. I ask my partner if they are ok with this - sometimes they're apprehensive, sometimes they try it and like it, other times not.", "timestamp": "1379770894"}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/628838265952?comment_id=628908265672", "anchor": "fb-628908265672", "service": "fb", "text": "@Daniel: \" I wouldn't ask a man to dance if I weren't okay with taking the follow role\"
Right; being comfortable dancing both roles is a prerequisite for asking people which role they prefer.", "timestamp": "1379770902"}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://plus.google.com/103013777355236494008", "anchor": "gp-1379771935674", "service": "gp", "text": "@Lucas\n\u00a0You're right, I was unclear. \u00a0While many dancers don't think of contra as lead/follow, the ones I dance with almost all do. \u00a0This is some combination of region, age, and dance.", "timestamp": 1379771935}, {"author": "Andrew", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/628838265952?comment_id=628915805562", "anchor": "fb-628915805562", "service": "fb", "text": "Jeff and Daniel, asking people which role they prefer is different from asking them to dance. If there are no women to ask, and you (a man) aren't comfortable with the follow role (yet), you can still ask a man to dance, the alternative is asking no one. It's a natural part of the chat to mention that you feel you aren't comfortable or adept at following. In my experience, there are always plenty of dancers on the floor who aren't adept at contra dancing (even if they're comfortable) - if they can do it, so can you.", "timestamp": "1379776426"}, {"author": "Daniel", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/628838265952?comment_id=628922537072", "anchor": "fb-628922537072", "service": "fb", "text": "Jeff, yes, but that wasn't the point I was trying to make. Before I was comfortable dancing either role, I would only ask women to dance. It wasn't that I wouldn't have been okay dancing with a male partner (I'd have happily accepted if a man asked me), but because I wasn't comfortable in the follow role, I'd never have asked a man. The implication to me would be that I'm asking him to take the follow role, which somehow didn't seem like something I should do if I couldn't do it myself. There's a remnant of that in that I still tend to assume most men are most comfortable leading, and most women following, and so I only even bother to ask about role when in a couple where one of us HAS to be outside of the role typical of our genders.", "timestamp": "1379781685"}, {"author": "Laura", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/628838265952?comment_id=628950401232", "anchor": "fb-628950401232", "service": "fb", "text": "Daniel, there are at least two male-presenting regulars at local dances who, when I've asked them to dance, have said \"I like to follow, is that OK?\"", "timestamp": "1379799528"}, {"author": "Daniel", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/628838265952?comment_id=628951339352", "anchor": "fb-628951339352", "service": "fb", "text": "Laura, I would be perfectly happy to dance the other role with anyone who requested it, but it just affects who I ask (if they don't bring it up themselves.) I know of just one male dancer near me who consistently dances the follow role (and attends non-gender-free dances), which is a remarkably small number considering the size of the dance community around here. There are a number of others, like me, who don't really have much of a role preference and will dance whatever's convenient at the moment.", "timestamp": "1379800211"}]}