{"items": [{"author": "Peter", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/999507591652?comment_id=999511289242", "anchor": "fb-999511289242", "service": "fb", "text": "The possibility of a negative response is critical for actual consent, for sure. Many adults seem to struggle with this when speaking to children, often phrasing directives as grammatical questions.
I have tried similar tactics when preparing children ... well people of all ages, actually, to ask a question. What are your thoughts on phrasing it along the lines of \"ask them if they are willing to share or not,\" \"ask them if they'd like to see it right now or not\". Similar to when I ask my niece if she'd like a hug or no thank you.
I'm not sure why I resist the 'but they might say no', Your kids know you well enough to know that you're not saying 'you can try but I think you'll fail'; I fear that's how it would feel to me if I said it that way.
Added bonus, if they get used to asking questions that way (\"are you willing to let me have a turn, or not right now?\") so they can be prepared for both possible outcomes, and they can independently express that it's a real question.", "timestamp": "1561254113"}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/999507591652?comment_id=999511289242&reply_comment_id=999515326152", "anchor": "fb-999511289242_999515326152", "service": "fb", "text": "→ \"I'm not sure why I resist the 'but they might say no', Your kids know you well enough to know that you're not saying 'you can try but I think you'll fail'; I fear that's how it would feel to me if I said it that way.\"

I see how someone might hear it that way, though my kids don't seem to. They take it as a more straightforward warning, like, they're not guaranteed to say yes.

\"are you willing to let me have a turn, or not right now?\"

This sounds slightly pushy to me? Like, \"not right now\" kind of implies that if they say \"no\" then they have to let you later? Which would be fine for, say, a park toy, but not for something that belonged to them.", "timestamp": "1561256441"}, {"author": "Paul", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/999507591652?comment_id=999511289242&reply_comment_id=999521483812", "anchor": "fb-999511289242_999521483812", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Jeff Kaufman An adult would understand that \"not right now\" sometimes means \"not ever\" but I agree that it takes time for people to learn this sort of thing.", "timestamp": "1561259845"}, {"author": "Danni", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/999507591652?comment_id=999511289242&reply_comment_id=999522147482", "anchor": "fb-999511289242_999522147482", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Paul As an adult myself, I think that someone asked me this and my answer actually were \"not right now\" I would not feel that the asker was being pushy, but if my actual answer were \"no, not ever\", I very well might.

What feels like a significant difference to me, between \"they might say no\" and \"I think you'll fail\", is that receiving a \"no\" response is not a failure, and I think it's important that children learn that as early as possible.", "timestamp": "1561260256"}, {"author": "Danni", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/999507591652?comment_id=999511289242&reply_comment_id=999522761252", "anchor": "fb-999511289242_999522761252", "service": "fb", "text": "→ It also seems important to me for children to be comfortable giving and receiving \"no\" as a response, and not be expected to use a watered-down phrase that isn't \"no\" when their answer actually is \"no\" or to expect to hear such a phrase from someone else whose answer is \"no\". If we want kids to learn that \"no means no\", no has to consistently mean no.", "timestamp": "1561260660"}, {"author": "Paul", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/999507591652?comment_id=999511289242&reply_comment_id=999527287182", "anchor": "fb-999511289242_999527287182", "service": "fb", "text": "→ I too am an adult, and definitely not three kids in a trench coat.", "timestamp": "1561263096"}, {"author": "Kitty", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/999507591652?comment_id=999511289242&reply_comment_id=999563559492", "anchor": "fb-999511289242_999563559492", "service": "fb", "text": "→ I think in all these instances it really comes down to tone. Both phrases could have a positive sound or they could come out sounding like expected failure or demanding. \ud83e\udd37\u200d\u2640\ufe0f", "timestamp": "1561294854"}, {"author": "Hollis", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/999507591652?comment_id=999511289242&reply_comment_id=999567800992", "anchor": "fb-999511289242_999567800992", "service": "fb", "text": "→ I like that it underscores that asking politely is not a magic wand that forces people to do your bidding, but is rather a useful tool for communicating your wishes in case someone else feels like doing something nice for you.", "timestamp": "1561297077"}, {"author": "Cora", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/999507591652?comment_id=999536753212", "anchor": "fb-999536753212", "service": "fb", "text": "When a child wants to use something that someone else has, I encourage them to phrase the request as \"Can I have a turn when you are done with it?\" When it's put this was, the answer is \" yes\" more often than not.", "timestamp": "1561267964"}, {"author": "Max", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/999507591652?comment_id=999561114392", "anchor": "fb-999561114392", "service": "fb", "text": "Jeff, how do things go with the other adults when you loudly say \"but they might say no\"? Do you find that the adults are then comfortable saying no?", "timestamp": "1561293204"}, {"author": "Leah", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/999507591652?comment_id=999561114392&reply_comment_id=999563983642", "anchor": "fb-999561114392_999563983642", "service": "fb", "text": "→ I'm pretty sure I've *used* this on other adults.

Not \"she might say no\" specifically, because adults can read between the lines better than young children and you don't have to word things as bluntly with them. But definitely other phrases that send the same message.

If I'm writing an email introducing Friend A to Friend B for networking reasons, with both A and B as recipients, I might say \"...This is a pretty busy time of year for B, but she said she'd be happy to talk you you about Topic.\" That \"pretty busy time of year\" lets A know not to push too hard. But it also lets B know that I won't be bothered if she has to set a limit with A and say \"No, sorry, I can't offer that much help.\" Which is the same effect Jeff was describing, just from a phrase with gentler wording.", "timestamp": "1561295322"}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/999507591652?comment_id=999561114392&reply_comment_id=999616992412", "anchor": "fb-999561114392_999616992412", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Max I think so, but a controlled experiment would really be ideal...", "timestamp": "1561320950"}, {"author": "Nora", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/999507591652?comment_id=999561114392&reply_comment_id=999629886572", "anchor": "fb-999561114392_999629886572", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Small data point: I'm an adult who this was used on recently (by someone other than Jeff) and it made me feel much more comfortable saying \"no\" (I also gave a brief explanation why I said no, and suggestions for a couple of things that we might do instead).", "timestamp": "1561327680"}, {"author": "Martha", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/999507591652?comment_id=999574437692", "anchor": "fb-999574437692", "service": "fb", "text": "This is great for two reasons -- it helps your kids manage their expectations and accept the possible denial of their requests, and it builds consent culture.", "timestamp": "1561301847"}, {"author": "Danner", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/999507591652?comment_id=999611982452", "anchor": "fb-999611982452", "service": "fb", "text": "I have a motto that often gets applied \"The default is no\"

The goal is to reduce pressure on people when I ask them something, unless I see enthusiasm. It's basically your prep statement, but for my own interactions with others.", "timestamp": "1561318770"}, {"author": "Lucinda", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/999507591652?comment_id=999689053002", "anchor": "fb-999689053002", "service": "fb", "text": "I often told my children this when they were children (ages 28 & 31 now - they've retained this message!), and I also teach this to my 1st and 2nd grade students. It's an important message.", "timestamp": "1561378879"}]}