{"items": [{"author": "Gianna", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/996171731742?comment_id=996177091002", "anchor": "fb-996177091002", "service": "fb", "text": "Yes. And where we struggle to respond consistently within this framework is when the kids don't accept the reasons we give them.
Are you familiar with Robin Einzig's work with Visible Child? Her posts and philosophy are very much in line with what I perceive yours to be.", "timestamp": "1559333146"}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/996171731742?comment_id=996177091002&reply_comment_id=996179072032", "anchor": "fb-996177091002_996179072032", "service": "fb", "text": "→ \"where we struggle to respond consistently within this framework is when the kids don't accept the reasons we give them\"
When things are required, my kids don't have to accept my reasons but they still have to do the thing. The reasons are to help them understand why we need to do the thing and help them model us better (https://www.jefftk.com/p/how-to-parent-more-predictably).", "timestamp": "1559333704"}, {"author": "Gianna", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/996171731742?comment_id=996177091002&reply_comment_id=996179181812", "anchor": "fb-996177091002_996179181812", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Yep, agree. In theory I believe that we should allow kids to have whatever feelings/emotions they are going to have to the limits we set. Support them in those feelings but still set firm limits. In reality, my humanity sometimes gets the better of me and I respond with frustration and inconsistent responses of my own. It's a work in progress. It helps to have a solid framework.", "timestamp": "1559333807"}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/996171731742?comment_id=996177091002&reply_comment_id=996180873422", "anchor": "fb-996177091002_996180873422", "service": "fb", "text": "→ With Visible Child, I just looked at the site some but there seem to be a lot of posts with no clear \"read these first, they explain my main perspective\" starting place. Anything you would recommend?", "timestamp": "1559334487"}, {"author": "Anna", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/996171731742?comment_id=996180878412", "anchor": "fb-996180878412", "service": "fb", "text": "Curious what happens when others are watching your kids and don't communicate in the same way... Do your kids ask \"why do we have to leave in 5 minutes?\" Do they go along with it? Something else?", "timestamp": "1559334490"}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/996171731742?comment_id=996180878412&reply_comment_id=996181107952", "anchor": "fb-996180878412_996181107952", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Kids are really pretty good at understanding that adults don't always have the same rules as each other, so I'm not to worried about all the adults in my kids lives not using the same approaches. I don't know how they handle it, though, since I'm not there!", "timestamp": "1559334677"}, {"author": "Loren", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/996171731742?comment_id=996201402282", "anchor": "fb-996201402282", "service": "fb", "text": "I love this approach, because learning to live with the consequences of your actions is one of most important lessons we can teach. I have one small suggestion, which is to stay away from telling children \u201cI need you to,\u201d or \u201cyou need to.\u201d I suggest to my therapy clients that they say \u201cit\u2019s time to,\u201d which is neutral and not about making the parent happy, or in that particular scenario, telling the child \u201cyou\u2019ll want to keep your shoes on so your feet stay dry.\u201d", "timestamp": "1559345356"}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/996171731742?comment_id=996201402282&reply_comment_id=996203273532", "anchor": "fb-996201402282_996203273532", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Loren could you say more about why \"I need you to X\" or \"you need to X\" is a bad way to phrase \"you are required to do X\"?", "timestamp": "1559346499"}, {"author": "Loren", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/996171731742?comment_id=996201402282&reply_comment_id=996205159752", "anchor": "fb-996201402282_996205159752", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Saying \u201cI need you to\u201d makes the request about the child fulfilling your emotional needs. Saying \u201cyou need to\u201d sets up a power struggle. The child can think, \u201cno I don\u2019t!\u201d When I tell a child \u201cit\u2019s time to\u201d I am invoking a higher authority with no skin in the game. It\u2019s totally neutral and clean.", "timestamp": "1559347170"}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/996171731742?comment_id=996201402282&reply_comment_id=996217015992", "anchor": "fb-996201402282_996217015992", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Loren hmm, I think that's not how my kids hear it? I think they respond to any statement like this pretty much equivalently, as \"Papa is saying I have to do this thing\"?", "timestamp": "1559353183"}, {"author": "Loren", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/996171731742?comment_id=996201402282&reply_comment_id=996217644732", "anchor": "fb-996201402282_996217644732", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Sounds like you have found a way of relating to your children that works great.", "timestamp": "1559353571"}, {"author": "Tilia", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/996171731742?comment_id=996203912252", "anchor": "fb-996203912252", "service": "fb", "text": "It would never have occurred to me to let my kids play in a puddle and get their shoes and clothes wet! This is what separates people who would make great parents vs people who make fine parents.", "timestamp": "1559346710"}, {"author": "Can", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/996171731742?comment_id=996240982962", "anchor": "fb-996240982962", "service": "fb", "text": "\"A child is a person\"
If everybody in this planet considered this as much as you, these persons wouldn't have to be striking all around the world these days.
A very appreciative, respectful and very worthy of support mindset towards children.", "timestamp": "1559372307"}, {"author": "Beth", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/996171731742?comment_id=996251611662", "anchor": "fb-996251611662", "service": "fb", "text": "\u201cIf we were on our way somewhere else in a hurry, or were far from home...\u201d doesn\u2019t this exception reduce predictability? Do you try to let them know the circumstances in advance?", "timestamp": "1559391383"}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/996171731742?comment_id=996251611662&reply_comment_id=996262489862", "anchor": "fb-996251611662_996262489862", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Beth the kids generally know if we're on our way somewhere: I'm saying \"let's keep moving or we'll miss the bus\" etc and a lot of things are different (generally can't just stop and look at interesting things).
Different levels of me being ok with them getting messy/wet/etc based on circumstances is harder for them to learn, but still not too bad and if they ask me I'll help them. (\"It it ok if I go play in the mud?\" \"Well, if you get too muddy we can easily go home and change, so it's up to you\")", "timestamp": "1559397368"}, {"author": "Beth", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/996171731742?comment_id=996251611662&reply_comment_id=996455468132", "anchor": "fb-996251611662_996455468132", "service": "fb", "text": "→ That\u2019s reasonable. You probably have a good sense of the level of complexity they can handle, and this falls within range.", "timestamp": "1559503183"}, {"author": "Martha", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/996171731742?comment_id=996436655832", "anchor": "fb-996436655832", "service": "fb", "text": "I aspire to parent like you do. I don't think I have as much patience as you. But I have seen parents with a more authoritarian style getting into power struggles with their kids, and I have seen adults who were never given much practice making their own decisions as kids, and by comparison I think I'm doing okay.", "timestamp": "1559496692"}, {"author": "Lee", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/996171731742?comment_id=996550313062", "anchor": "fb-996550313062", "service": "fb", "text": "Susanna Ballard, do you do this?", "timestamp": "1559538313"}, {"author": "Rob", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/996171731742?comment_id=996712438162", "anchor": "fb-996712438162", "service": "fb", "text": "Gila Golder", "timestamp": "1559623113"}]}