{"items": [{"author": "Kitty", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/985678844572?comment_id=985680795662", "anchor": "fb-985680795662", "service": "fb", "text": "This is a great write up. Thank you for sharing Jeff.", "timestamp": "1552568357"}, {"author": "Ari", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/985678844572?comment_id=985680820612", "anchor": "fb-985680820612", "service": "fb", "text": "We split by evening; Sophie is on duty Tues and Sunday, I\u2019m on duty mon and weds. The other days we are both around This also enforces the norm that both parents can cope solo.", "timestamp": "1552568373"}, {"author": "opted out", "source_link": "#", "anchor": "unknown", "service": "unknown", "text": "this user has requested that their comments not be shown here", "timestamp": "1552568873"}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/985678844572?comment_id=985681254742&reply_comment_id=985689677862", "anchor": "fb-985681254742_985689677862", "service": "fb", "text": "→ \"I'd expect there to be significant value to splitting individual tasks just for cross-training\"
The FB version doesn't have the link, but in the original I link to https://www.jefftk.com/p/dividing-tasks here which has a bit more on this. I think for any parenting task that you would expect to come up in say a 1-month period it's good to have both people do it some. Even though I usually put the kids to bed, if Julia never did it then it would be really hard for me ever to be out at night.
On the other hand, Julia handles the kids clothing (washing, mending, making sure there are going to be things for them to wear as they get bigger, handling receiving and distributing hand-me-downs among friends/family, finding things at the thrift store) and when she's away most of this can just be on hold until she's back (pretty much everything except the washing). So the reduced need for coordination (\"I didn't realize you had already bought a new coat for Lily\", \"why did you give Sam the baby shoes I had told Pat they could have?\") is really worth it.
It's also pretty good for one-off tasks. I handled potty training for both kids, and we did it in a short intensive way where having one person fully take it on was way more efficient. And what they needed from us changed rapidly (daily) so the benefit of cross-training would have been very low.
\"One specific situation where I'd appreciate advice is in giving other people contact information.\"
Daycare was long enough ago (https://www.jefftk.com/p/childcare-ii) that I don't remember how this worked. There are probably some cases where it's easier to just go along with society and find other places where the dad can do more to make up for it?", "timestamp": "1552576724"}, {"author": "Eli\u0161ka", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/985678844572?comment_id=985681254742&reply_comment_id=985692103002", "anchor": "fb-985681254742_985692103002", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Re: contact info - this obviously doesn't work for all situations, but one of the places I've worked had contacts listed as \"parent 1\" and \"parent 2\", where parent 1 was who we should contact first.", "timestamp": "1552577900"}, {"author": "Michael", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/985678844572?comment_id=985681254742&reply_comment_id=985697137912", "anchor": "fb-985681254742_985697137912", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Eli\u0161ka Hah! You're making me think that \"Parent MWF\" and \"Parent TThSa\" might be a way to go for some things!", "timestamp": "1552581584"}, {"author": "Michael", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/985678844572?comment_id=985695760672", "anchor": "fb-985695760672", "service": "fb", "text": "Since Vera as clergy works a lot of nights and weekends, it's done a really good job of enforcing a more even parenting split. The downside, of course, is that we don't get enough time together.", "timestamp": "1552580950"}, {"author": "Anna", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/985678844572?comment_id=985705580992", "anchor": "fb-985705580992", "service": "fb", "text": "i love this a hundred million hearts", "timestamp": "1552584426"}, {"author": "Daniel", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/985678844572?comment_id=985705580992&reply_comment_id=985740256502", "anchor": "fb-985705580992_985740256502", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Same! <3 <3 <3", "timestamp": "1552602164"}, {"author": "Maggie", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/985678844572?comment_id=985710730672", "anchor": "fb-985710730672", "service": "fb", "text": "Hugh Yeman, Jeff made this a public post, so I am alerting you, and I think you might find it useful.", "timestamp": "1552586912"}, {"author": "Gianna", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/985678844572?comment_id=985718051002", "anchor": "fb-985718051002", "service": "fb", "text": "You have just written, nearly verbatim, a conversation that Keith and I have had in our household since before we had kids. One additional thing that I think is worth considering: as with other societal/cultural biases, I think the work also needs to be taken on by the \"default\" group. This means male-identified people taking an active role in countering sexism, white people taking an active role in countering racism, straight people taking an active role in countering homophobia, AND mothers taking an active role in countering parenting bias. It's dads' responsibility too, of course, in all the ways you describe. But I've seen over and over again is an unwillingness on the part of mothers to give up any of the associated control, domain expertise, and (pride? bragging rights?) that comes from being the default parent. Even if that control and expertise is gained at the expense of other things. I cannot count the number of times, when I was a new mom attending mother/baby gatherings, that I heard other mothers lament how they \"couldn't possibly leave the baby alone\" with dad because of what amounted to not trusting dad to handle things or figure things out, or an expectation that they as the mom would still get to call the shots. It was a really interesting dynamic to observe, and one I have to pay attention to in myself as well.", "timestamp": "1552590884"}, {"author": "Denise", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/985678844572?comment_id=985747352282", "anchor": "fb-985747352282", "service": "fb", "text": "I feel like what often happens with Alexander and me is that we do share tasks and then barely save any time due to coordination costs. We both get invested into our different preferences on how to do things and spend way too much time just discussing them, nevermind handoffs. I have no idea how to fix this.", "timestamp": "1552606556"}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/985678844572?comment_id=985747352282&reply_comment_id=985753644672", "anchor": "fb-985747352282_985753644672", "service": "fb", "text": "→ I think the main way we've tried to handle situations like this is separating tasks and stopping coordinating on them. So, on normal days I do bedtime with both kids, and Julia works or has alone time. Or, Julia lined up our Au Pairs, and I trusted her judgement.", "timestamp": "1552609950"}, {"author": "Jeff Kaufman", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/985678844572?comment_id=985747352282&reply_comment_id=985753779402", "anchor": "fb-985747352282_985753779402", "service": "fb", "text": "→ We've also found it really useful to be careful not to make commitments on behalf of the other. I won't tell the kids that Julia will read to them, she won't start a project with them and expect me to finish it with them when she leaves, etc.", "timestamp": "1552610081"}, {"author": "Pavel", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/985678844572?comment_id=985747352282&reply_comment_id=985813534652", "anchor": "fb-985747352282_985813534652", "service": "fb", "text": "→ Same here, we don't share tasks, we split them up. Wife does toothbrushing, I do story. I do dishes and cat litter, she does cooking. Etc., etc.", "timestamp": "1552662518"}, {"author": "Forsythe", "source_link": "https://www.facebook.com/jefftk/posts/985678844572?comment_id=985937660902", "anchor": "fb-985937660902", "service": "fb", "text": "Thank you for your thoughtfulness on this and many other subjects!", "timestamp": "1552749846"}]}